It’s That Time Again

It’s that time again. It’s time for me to change my blog again. I really cannot even remember how many times I have done this, but it always seems as if I get tired of my blog and start to lose my inspiration to blog, and so I create a new one again.

It may sound fickle, cos it may seem as if I’m just someone who gets tired of the old, and always wanting the new. But it’s not really that. Every time I create a new blog, I’m trying to find something that more truly represents me. And each time, I keep thinking, ‘This is it. This is me.’

But it never is. Maybe because life never stops changing, neither do my expectations. And so each time, after a while, my new blog that is now not so very new, becomes something that is foreign to me.

So once again, I will abandon this blog, and create a new one. I haven’t quite figure out what the new blog will be like yet, but it’s coming, I promise.

You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away

There are many implications to think of. Consequences I may not be prepared to face. Things that happened that do not completely disappear as I deluded myself into thinking.

But I don’t want to think about implications or consequences or regrets. I just want to do it, and know that I will be happy after.

Is that too much to ask? I just want to be happy, that’s all.

07/07/09

backlogged entry: 7th July 2009, 2.58am

Today, I felt like I gave away a small part of my soul by sharing a secret with someone whom I was not close with. Is that strange? To feel as if you’ve betrayed yourself, by revealing intimate details you would never reveal to a stranger?

I should feel better. I should feel… relieved from the burden of keeping secrets. And yet, now I feel like perhaps I should have kept to myself. I feel like a part of me has been stolen away, by the hands of an invisible snatch thief. Something’s not quite right, something’s not complete.

By allowing myself to share, I have opened myself to demons that I am not prepared to fight against. I have cut myself open and let myself bleed dry.

Sorry for the imagery. Sometimes.. I forget myself. Sometimes I forget to remind myself to look forward and forget the past. It’s easy to say you can remember your past without reliving it, but it’s so much harder to practise that in real life. It’s easy to say whatever happened in your past is no longer part of your life, but you know that every little thing that happened to you changed you to become the person you are today.

Remembering the past makes me feel sad, but it also makes me feel glad, because I know I am no longer the same person I was. I know because of what I have gone through, I am now a stronger person. But that doesn’t mean I’m completely over it. It doesn’t mean I can just tell you about my past as nonchalantly as if I’m talking about the weather.

So, by telling a dark secret that very, very, very few know to someone who I’ve never thought of telling to… is a very painful thing. Every waking moment I spend today, I spend feeling a deep sense of regret. I feel a sense of loss, of losing something important that I will never gain back. I wished I never told her. And I wished she never told me her past. Instead of feeling understood of having a common ground, I am now doubly burdened by her secret.

I know there is no turning back. What has happened, has happened. All I can do now is merely live on, and try to forget what I have done. I can never gain back what I have lost, I know that. All I can do is to treat this event like every event in my past – as a lesson in life. Once again, Life has dealt me some bad cards. So now, I put all my cards back into the pile and reshuffle, hoping for a change in the next turn.

I Am Back, Part 2

During my short time here in Singapore, I feel like I’ve changed. More than what you would expect in less than three months. I feel like I’ve aged a few years, both mentally and physically, although the cause is more emotional than physiological.

In a short three months, I have learnt to feel jaded. I have learnt to be wary of others, to be careful of who I place my trust in, to be cautious of every stranger I meet. It’s not a consequence of living in a foreign country, but the implications of leaving the comfort of home.

It is when I’m away from the safety net of home that I realise how vicious and cruel the world can be, how unfriendly ‘friends’ can be.

Even while I’m miles away from New Zealand, troubles from there followed me here, threatening to plague me no matter where I go. And so, I made a few choices, drastic as it may be. I cut off my ties with people who intoxicate me with their issues, people who drown me in pain. No strings attached, no subtle hints, just a sharp, clear ’snip!’. And horrible as it may sound, I was glad. I was happy to be rid of these people, although it meant hurting their feelings, although it meant causing awkwardness for others around them. It may be selfish, but I was sick of always putting others first, and putting myself second. I hate having to always doubt myself in everything I do and say.

I feel like I’m trapped in a cage. The bars may be invisible, but the restriction I feel is very real. It is no wonder I hate seeing birds in cages. Creatures that were made to fly were not made to perch on a metal swing all day, only to be commanded to sing or chirp on demand. What life is it when you cannot taste freedom? What life is it when liberty seems within your grasp, only to be forever impossible to achieve?

very cute pic courtesy of buddug

When I was a child, I loved dancing ballet. I especially loved it when I first danced on pointe. Some of my friends hated it, cos their feet would ache, and their toes would bleed. But the pain meant nothing when compared to the freedom and feeling of flight when I danced on pointe, when I leapt into the air and making splits high, high, high above the ground. Even for a mere second, I have taken a taste of freedom, and I will never forget it. To feel weightless, to feel the breeze in your face as you soared in the air – it is the best feeling in the world, to be able to steal a moment of liberty in a lifetime of imprisonment.

pic courtesy of the Australian Ballet

 In my constant search for happiness, I am often in pursuit of freedom. Will living in Singapore give me that? Or will it drag me further into the dungeons of life? I do not know. I can only wait, with bated breath, for what awaits me in my future.

I Am Back, Part 1

It’s been quite a while since I updated this blog. Yet at the same time, in a sense, I’ve never stopped blogging at all. When I’m alone, when I have time to think, I ‘blog’ in my mind.. I just left it all unwritten, unrecorded. Perhaps I should start taking my laptop to work and blog on the train. After all, I might as well take advantage of this unlimited mobile broadband plan I’m currently on.

It’s only been slightly less than two months since I’ve moved to Singapore, and already it feels like a lifetime. A lifetime of heartache, pain and exhaustion. What has happened so far? Well, let’s start with work, because that is why I came to Singapore in the first place.

Work is a jungle, where danger lurks behind every corner. Predators are waiting to pounce on you when you let down your guard, and so you keep your walls up, to keep you safe and secure.

Except it’s so very tiring to do that everyday. I hate my workplace in that the people there are more concerned with playing politics than doing their jobs. I like to keep my life simple – go to work, do my job, go home. As far as I’m concerned, that is all I’m expected to do. I hate having to be wary of whom I speak to, of what I say to others. I also hate how people seem to enjoy demoralising others. I work in a call centre, and the amount of abuse I receive daily is too much to count. I try not to get worked up over these people, for they are not worth my time. Those who enjoy demoralising and degrade others are simply despicable scum who do not deserve to be acknowledged in any way. And yet, there have been a few occasions when I let their hurtful words get to me. I know these people are not worth my tears, yet I could not help but feel hurt and upset.

Sometimes, I wonder why I am here, in this country, away from my loved ones. It’s merely a job, merely something I do to pay the bills. It’s not even a career path. Why should I suffer so? Why should I stay? And I remember my goal – to travel after my work stint. If I leave now before I could travel, I knew I would regret my decision. Luckily, there are some people at work who I enjoy working with. Of course, there are also some who irk and annoy me to no end, but that’s life. And there are some who would stick a knife in my back the moment I turn around, and indeed, they already have, but I will not give in to their viciousness. I will not resort to their backhanded tactics, for I know I am a better person than that. But cross me one too many times, and you shall have to watch your back!

(to be continued..)

Wicked Incarnate

I detest you with a passion I do not understand. I can’t believe I used to admire you. I thought you were strong, and you were honest, and you were down to earth. But no, you are just brash, and crude, and you enjoy acting downtrodden to gain others’ sympathy. You are a two-faced witch, yet another SLW in my life, but worse. With SLW, I had a sneaking suspicion that was confirmed early. With you, it was ages before I saw through that mask you call a face.

Why do others not see how horrible you are? You act as if you are humble, but fish for praises and assurances. You act like you are concerned deeply for others, when all you do is speak the worst of them. You are so cunning in hiding your true self, so much so that even I almost fell into your poisonous web of sugary lies.

I know I should not dwell on being angry at you. But somehow you’ve never failed to awaken the feelings of hatred that seemed dormant within me. I hate how much you’ve destroyed my life, but most of all, I hate how much you make me hate you.

You wasted my efforts of being a good friend. You’ve used me and threw me aside without even my noticing it. You’ve turned my friends, and once, even my boyfriend, against me. You’ve made me the villain, just like SLW did all those years ago. You betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, doing all this with a saccharine smile on your face.

You vile, nasty thing! You’ve proved to me that ‘evil’ does exists, in every possible form. I feel sorry for your loyal boyfriend, who loves you despite your blatant disregard for him. I feel sorry for your friends, who will one day inevitably discover your true nature. And I feel sorry for myself, for having known a creature as hideous and wicked as you.

Because of you, I am wary of others. I guess at least I’ve learned a valuable lesson from you. I will no longer keep my heart unguarded for anyone to enter. I will be cautious, for now I know… Beelzebub will disguise himself as an angel.

to be continued..

I am just here to say, cliched as it sounds.. I will be back.

Been enduring and adapting to (or at least trying to adapt!!) the hot and humid weather in Malaysia. Thank goodness for air-conditioning.

Penang was great for food, and so was Bidor, actually. I guess the Malaysian favourite pastime is still eating, eating, and more eating. Haha. Right now I’m in KL, and I thought I’d be shopping like crazy, but not quite. All we’ve been doing is eating and meeting up with friends and relatives. I feel pounds heavier already, lol.

Tomorrow I’ll be meeting up with Sharlene and hopefully I’ll get a spot of shopping done in the absence of my mum’s ever watchful and disapproving eye. Oh, I better watch out for 1tb external hard drives for John. If it’s cheap, I might get one for myself too, hehe. Preferably Seagate, since it’s pretty much the only brand I’ve used for hard drives. My 80gb hard drive is reaching its limit.

I promise to blog more when I’ve settled down in Singapore.. provided I can get internet access, that is. Haha.

Long time no see

I have seriously neglected this blog. I should really be updating more seeing as how: a) I don’t go out, and b) I don’t have work or uni. Instead, I spend my whole day on the couch watching recorded movies and mind-numbing episodes like The Hills. Yes, I admit it, I love watching all the drama unfolding in The Hills. It’s oddly hypnotic!! Anyway, thought I’d do a filler post.

I went and got my eyebrows waxed on Wednesday. Usually I wouldn’t bother, cos I rather shave and pluck my eyebrows myself so I can save some money. But Hairport at Lynnmall was advertising eyebrow waxes for a mere $6!! The last time I got my eyebrows waxed, it costed me $25! The last experience boasted all organic materials and had a lovely room with soothing music, and a beautician who was friendly but not overly chatty. Hairport, on the other hand, had two tiny rooms (actually just one small room with a curtain partitioning), no music whatsoever, and polite but quite beauticians. I asked the woman serving me to tidy up my eyebrows, and not to make them too skinny cos I like them to look fairly natural. The wax bit was okay, but she then proceeded to clean up strays by threading, which I’ve never done before. And man, does it hurt like a b*tch! She left some stray hair on my eyelids, but I kept quiet. I rather go home and pluck them myself than endure the threading. The end job looked okay though, but it’s so much skinnier than what I usually had.

Here’s a picture so you can judge for yourself.

does my face look fat in these brows?

Covered my face cos when I took this picture, my face was kinda blotchy and blek (if there’s even such a word!). My brows are kinda too curved for my liking, and is it me being anal-retentive, or is my left brow more curvy than my right brow?? Grrr. This is why I don’t (usually) pay to get my eyebrows done, cos it’s always uneven. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, y’see, so this is annoying me quite a bit.

On the other hand, despite being a lazy bum, I did managed to get some stuff done, like sorting out my credit card, mailing out the stuff I sold on TradeMe, getting all the documents I’ll need to collect my work visa, and packing. Oh, not packing for Singapore, but for my little getaway with the Boy tomorrow. Oh wait, that’s actually today. -_-” We’re going to check into Skycity Hotel (king room, woohoo!) to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. The actual date’s on the 27th, but we’re celebrating early since I’ll be gone on the 25th. Can’t wait to go and relax for the whole weekend! Maybe we’ll even splurge on a spa session, if we can afford it, that is!!

I really should be packing..

It’s only about two more weeks before I leave NZ. Two weeks is a very short time to turn my life upside down. It is also a very short time for me to pack my whole life into a restricting space. How could I possibly do any of that in such a short span of time?!

It doesn’t help that my ‘luggage’ is impossibly small. Well, maybe not small by others’ standards, but small by mine. I always overpack, so I’ll be prepared for everything and anything. That’s why I have huge bags (one is large enough to pass as cabin luggage), and hardly glance at small bags. But anywaaaay, I won’t be bringing my usual luggage bag with me. Instead, what I’ll bring is this:

(Yes I was in my pjs cos I couldn’t be bothered to change. So sue me :p)

Since I’ll be backpacking around late this year, I would need something that was easy to carry around, yet big enough to keep all my belongings. An actual luggage bag would be too cumbersome, so I opted for this backpack. It’s 65L capacity I think, but any larger and I’ll topple over. It only reaches up to my knees, so as you can imagine, packing my life for <1 year will not be easy. And it’s a bloody complicated backpack too. It has all these clasps and straps, and it even comes with an instruction manual!! -_-”

 

I’m contemplating of taking my huge as KVZ luggage bag with me. It’s large enough to fit the backpack in, so I might pack my stuff in the backpack, put the backpack in luggage bag, and then pile more stuff around it. LOL. It might sound desperate, but seriously, how the heck do I pack everything in that tiny as backpack?? I can always dump the KVZ bag at a friend’s or something while I travel around. Then I’ll collect it when I’m on my way back to NZ. I’m flying off from Singapore anyway.

I mean, just compare the size difference betweent the two bags!! I can fit so much more stuff if I did that.

Heck, even I could fit into the KVZ bag! Well, almost anyway.

But then… it does seem ridiculous to do so. The backpack isn’t exactly light as a feather, and the KVZ bag is a bit heavy due to the wheels, so already, there’s a lot of weight allocation gone. I wouldn’t be able to put much into the luggage bag if I wasn’t allowed to bring any more weight with me. Sigh, what to do, what to do. Later this week, I’ll try to see if it’s easy to fit everything I want to take with me into the backpack. Hopefully it does, although I seriously doubt it.

The KVZ luggage bag is calling out to me.. even the luggage tag says “TAKE ME”! Maybe it’s a sign??

The Veronicas’ Revenge is Sweeter Tour

I went to the Veronicas’ concert on Tuesday with my friend Ada. The concert was supposed to start at 6pm but we didn’t get there till about 6.10pm. Thank goodness they haven’t even opened the doors yet. There was a massively long queue that consisted mainly of teenage girls outside the Logan Campbell Centre. Ada and I looked a bit out of sorts amongst all the teenagers. There were even girls of primary school age! Accompanied by their patient and bored parents, of course.

We were supposed to pick the tickets up at the centre itself, and just as we got them, the doors opened! And we were right next to the doors, so we just walked in ahead of the long queue, haha! Ada and I managed to get ourselves in the centre of the floor, but the music was so loud, and everyone was pushing so hard against us that we moved towards the back. The mosh pit thronged nearer and nearer to the stage with every supporting act. First up was Midnight Youth. They were okay, although they mainly did other singers’ songs rather than their own. Second was P-Money, who took his own sweet time before turning up on the stage. I’m not really into hip-hop, so I was quite bored. After P-Money it was Metro Station, who really gave a hell of a performance!

I only know two songs by Metro Station: ‘Shake It’ and ‘Kelsey’. Despite not knowing the other songs, I bopped my head along with everyone else and danced to the beats. Ada, who didn’t even know who Metro Station was, was also rocking out to the songs. The band performed with so much energy that even the parents were bopping their heads and tapping their feet to the music.  Everyone in the band were performing like they were really enjoying themselves, which really made a whole lot of difference to the performance. I loved how lead singer Trace Cyrus interacted with the crowd, unlike The Veronicas, but more on that later. Trace Cyrus has a surprisingly cute but magnetic voice, which had me hypnotized for a while. Hehe.

(Did you know? Trace Cyrus is the brother of Miley Cyrus, and he’s only recently turned 20 years old. Man I feel old. >_<)

After the amazing Metro Station, it was finally the Veronicas. People were getting a bit impatient and restless after the long wait, and I think everyone was expecting a mindblowing performance by the Veronicas. So did I. Unfortunately, I was sorely disappointed. The girls didn’t interact much with the audience, and when they did, they were hardly audible. I don’t know if it was their mikes that were malfunctioning or if it was their voices. I just felt like their voices could barely be heard above the acoustics. Apparently the girls were sick, so it might’ve explained their performance. But the fact that their mike kept malfunctioning during the performance (it kept giving this shrill eeee sort of sound) was just too annoying. It shows that the performance could’ve been improved despite them being sick, if they had bothered with a better sound system.

(Lisa on the left, Jessica on the right)

Many people left the concert halfway during the Veronicas’ performance, and when the girls left the stage, most people left straightway, although it’s common for performers to come out and perform one last song. It’s also common for performers to perform a really great song at the very end, but the song they chose (can’t remember which one – it was that unmemorable) wasn’t all that great. Unlike their song ‘Untouched’, which they perform as the second last song, which I would say was the song that they performed the best. They really had the crowd off their feet with ‘Untouched’, and it was the song I enjoyed the most, although it wasn’t my favourite songs of theirs.

There were both hits and misses at the concert, and unfortunately, the score was pretty even. Overall, the Veronicas’ performance were just okay. I would have to say that they didn’t sound as good live as they do on a recording. But still, I enjoyed the concert. Metro Station more than salvaged the concert, so Ada and I still had fun. It was a good experience for my first concert, although I probably wouldn’t splurge on another concert anytime soon. In this economy, concert tickets are akin to designer labels – wonderful but unaffordable. Unless it’s Wang Lee Hom, of course. For him I’ll make an exception, hehe.